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It’s easy to forget how good you feel after you continue the pattern of healthy eating and exercising. Especially for those of us who are true food addicts. Turning back to our old habits of fried chicken sandwiches and bingeing on netflix while eating ice cream is way easier then sticking with our new habits. Turning back to food is like wrapping a big blanket around yourself and settling in for a long cold snow with a pillow and a good book. That is what I’m struggling with right now. In the past year, in which I have gained back almost 30 pounds of  the 90 I lost, I have had a lot of pain, heartache, and loss. I fought the urge to turn to food. There were nights I cried while drinking chocolate beer and eating nachos on my couch, knowing I was falling back into my bad habits. Tears of sorrow, and pain, not just for losing my mother, and a boyfriend, but some nights, they were tears for myself, for being a failure, for being the fat kid, and staying the fat kid. I watched as the scale ticker went up, up, up every time I got on it. Every morning I would wake up, a new day. Eating healthy all day until my way home. Then it would hit. That urge, now it wasn’t only food calling to me, but the delicious buzz of chocolate alcohol. The devils drink. A beer, a smoke, a chicken sandwich with large fry. This was a recipe for disaster. I hit bottom, again on the one year anniversary of my mothers death, I had a drinking problem, an eating problem, and I had started to pull back from people who I cared about. Including my child.. I had to make a decision. At the very least pick a vice, one and only one.  I picked food. To me it was the lesser of the evils. I quit drinking, quit smoking, and decided it was OK to eat.


Now some of you might be judging me at this point. And that’s ok, do what you have to do. Everyone has their own ways to cope with things. I fight every day to be happy. After battling the past year with all the horrible things that have gone on, (all of which are NOT listed above) I have had to learn that the most important thing is to make it through the day, and to worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Right now, in my life, I need my food blanket. I’m not perfect, and I wish I could get up the energy to hit the gym for an hour 5 times a week like I did before. But right now, I just can’t. But I am excited for when I can! And I’m going to manage my eating the best I can to not put the weight back on until I’m ready to hit the healthy life again full force.